I’ve had so much on my mind about parenting lately. I was talking to another mom this week, and we both agreed that while our husbands and other’s say we are doing a great job, every day we see our struggles, we see the areas where we have fallen short. I have really been struggling with parenting one of my children lately. While I know that some of the issues are developmental and situational, I also know that I could be doing more. Today I want to share a bit about what we are dealing with, and I would especially love to hear from some of you as I process how to move forward with helping this child.
Some of the issues we are struggling with are:
- Being so concerned about whether or not others are obeying, that she can’t seem to get anything right for herself.
- Dawdling and usually being the last to finish easy tasks.
- Talking back.
- Repeats (multiple times!) the same behaviors she’s already been disciplined for.
We are seeing these same behaviors at school and at home. I struggle so much to:
- Know the right way to respond.
- Responding patiently.
- Be consistent in my response.
What do I do when she:
- Is tattling on a sibling who is disobeying when she herself isn’t obeying? (Besides yell and say, “Take care of yourself!!!”)
- Turns to me after I’ve apologized when forgetting something, and says with attitude, “And who’s fault was that?”
- Is out of bed at 6am running around the house (frequently!) when we’ve set the rule to stay in bed until Mommy and Daddy are awake?
We take timeouts. For serious offenses we spank (I know there are others out there who don’t agree with this). We take away dessert for poor table manners. She takes naps when I’ve had too much and just need a break.
This usually sweet child was adopted as an “older” child. She likely deals with a sensory processing disorder (a sensory seeker). I know that we are dealing with issues that don’t have easy answers. I’d love some input from anyone who struggles with some of these issues. How do you deal with them? What are some natural consequences that have worked for you? Do you have a reward system that works well for you?
A couple of blog posts that I’ve read the last couple of days and have me thinking more about this are this post at The Better Mom about having a schedule for children and I just saw today’s post at We Are That Family sharing about how a reward chart is working for her daughter. After coming back from the U.S. in June, the kids will only have a short time in school and then will be home for 2 months. I know that if I don’t have a plan and strategies to help my daughter get through the summer, that it’s going to be a long 2 months! I want to come up with a plan now so that I have time to figure out how to implement it well before summer gets here.
This post is being shared at Women Living Well, We Are That Family, The Better Mom, and Crystal & Co.
Turns to me after I’ve apologized when forgetting something, and says with attitude, “And who’s fault was that?”
Ooh, I recognize that line!! My son (not adopted) is 7 and often says things like that in a nasty, smart-alec tone. His dad and I tend to get really upset and feel justified in reacting: “You can’t speak to your parents that way! You’re in trouble!!” and then it turns into a big power struggle.
But I’ve found that if I ignore the tone and respond very calmly and innocently to the actual content of what he is saying, that often resolves the whole thing. I say something like, “Well, it’s my fault that I forgot. I meant to remember. It’s frustrating that I forgot.” I have to keep my voice very patient and quiet but not condescending. If my tone sounds the least bit like, “Well of course it’s my fault, stupid!” then it won’t work at all.
Another thing to consider when I don’t like his snippy comment: Do *I* ever say that to *him*? If not the actual words, do I say something that *feels like* I’m saying that? I need to set a good example of how we treat other people!
YES! My daughter just stared learning English a little over 2 years ago, and is so quick to pick up language. Unfortunately, along with that she picks up tone. I so often hear things coming out of her mouth that have come straight from mine. Some days it seems so hard to keep a check on my tone.
Parenting is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. I have felt both inadequate and hopeless at certain times and my oldest is only 5!
One of my favorite books on parenting is “Have A New Kid by Friday” by Kevin Leman. This book has lots of information in it, but his main point is to use reality discipline and teachable moments to change a child’s behavior and attitude.
I have read a couple other Kevin Leman books. I will have to check that one out. Thanks so much, Vanessa!
Hi Michelle,
I do understand what you are facing. We have also adopted older children (12 and 13). The adoption was final on January 6, 2012. This make six kids for us and we are looking into adopting more. I do love kids and I am so encouraged by how we have seen our kids change from a soon to be resident at the local juvinial department to a sensitive boy who is not 100% better but he is not out to find trouble either.
Some of these children who have been in the foster care system ty to get attention any way they can get it– even if it means negative attention. I believe we are dealing with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. After doing much research I am convinced that is what we have on our hands along with a series of other problems. The only advice I feel comfortable in giving is make sure you and your husband is a united front. As you know I am sure they know how to get their way even if they have to manupulate one or the other to get their way. Our big saying around our home is “you choose the behavior you choose the consequence”. Blessings to you!!
I’m sure you probably know about this resource, but http://empoweredtoconnect.org/ has lots of great resources for parenting kids who come from the “hard places.” Hope it is helpful!